


What Never Was

by RosesHaveThorns



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Doomed Relationship, F/M, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 22:55:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6773632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosesHaveThorns/pseuds/RosesHaveThorns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their visit to the demon and abomination ravaged Circle of Magi, Alistair wants to know just what was going on between the templar, Ser Cullen, and Lorelei Amell before she left the Circle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Never Was

“Can... we talk? In private?” Alistair asked.

Lorelei raised an eyebrow and nodded. They made their way to a more secluded area of the camp where they could speak without having their every word immediately overheard, though there was never any guarantee of privacy in a situation like this.

“So...” Alistair began, “that templar.... at the tower... Cullen, was it?”

Lorelei sighed. The encounter with Cullen had upset her greatly, though she had said nothing to any of her companions. Before she'd left the Circle to become a Grey Warden, Lorelei had really liked Cullen. He was always polite, always ready with a smile, especially for her. And while she didn't have any memory of it, she was pretty sure he'd been the one to carry her to her bed after her Harrowing. Maybe she half-remembered on some unconscious level or maybe she only imagined what it was like, but the feeling of being carefully cradled in his arms as he walked, silently, all the way down from the top of the tower, was permanently etched in her mind. She wondered if he had lingered with her at all after he had settled her on her bed, though he couldn't have stayed long if he did, given the utter lack of privacy in the open dormitory.

“Cullen. Yes. What about him?” she responded.

“Uh... He said some things. About you. It seemed that you were... maybe more than acquaintances...”

Indeed, Cullen's semi-coherent, tortured rantings in that bizarre magical cage outside the Harrowing Chamber made it very clear that his feelings for her were very deep, indeed, deeper than Lorelei had ever suspected. Alistair had said nothing about it at the time, though Zevran, being Zev, had called her a “little heartbreaker” and while she knew he didn't mean to be cruel, the thought of her having broken Cullen's heart was troubling.

“We were...” Lorelei paused, unsure how to explain. If there was anything to explain, that is. After a moment's consideration, she decided to just tell Alistair the whole story, such as it was, and go from there. “Cullen was always very kind to the mages, and very sweet to me. He liked me, and all the apprentices knew it. I suppose the templars must have known, too. He was present at my Harrowing. He told me after that he'd been chosen to be the one to cut me down if I suddenly turned into an abomination.”

Alistair shuddered. He'd mentioned to her once that he'd been present at a Harrowing that had not gone well, and it had thoroughly stifled any desire he might have had to be a templar.

“Wait, they knew he liked you, so they decided he should be the one to... kill you? I mean, if you'd been unable to withstand the demon and all that... What kind of --”

“I don't know that's why they chose him,” she interjected, “but I've wondered about it. They had to know he liked me. Everyone knew. I've thought that maybe they were trying to dissuade him from liking mages, or maybe someone thought it would be kinder to me, to have someone who actually cared about me... do the deed...? But maybe he just drew the short straw. I honestly don't know. It's just something I've considered.”

Alistair nodded, and reached out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. His touch was gentle, and the gesture was tender. Lorelei smiled at him. He responded by pulling her into his arms and just holding her loosely, his hands resting on the small of her back.

“Do you love him?” he asked quietly. Too quietly.

“What?” She knew Alistair lacked self-confidence, that he could be funny about her relationships with others, and should have expected his question, but hearing him actually voice it took her by surprise. “Uhhmm... I... I liked him. I don't think I can say that I loved him. We could never have... That's the past, anyway...” Her voice trailed off.

There had been no future for her and Cullen; she always knew that and so did he. There were rumours that sometimes mages and templars engaged in... fraternisation, but it was very much against the rules, and it was always a doomed affair that could never lead anywhere. At least, nowhere good.

Alistair was quiet, still holding her gently. He waited for a while, and then, asked, “You remember that conversation we had a while back? About, uh... lamp posts?”

She nodded, rolling her eyes. That had been one of the most frustrating, awkward, embarrassing conversations she'd ever had, with anyone. Lorelei was a virgin, and she'd wanted to ask Alistair if he was sexually experienced. He'd done his usual deflection by way of smartarse humour and managed to turn the topic to the licking of lamp posts in winter, of all things. They hadn't even really finished the conversation, because she'd gotten so flustered by his ridiculous diversion tactics that she'd just told him to forget she ever mentioned it.

“What about lamp posts?” she asked.

“You know what I mean,” he responded. She rolled her eyes again and scoffed right at him, because she'd said the same thing to him in that earlier, painfully awkward conversation, and he'd taken the opportunity to turn it into an even more awkward conversation.

“Unlike you, I can answer an honest question,” she responded tartly, and he smirked just a tiny bit, which annoyed her. “If you're asking if Cullen and I were sexually intimate, no, of course we weren't. Aside from having absolutely no privacy in that tower, it was very much against the rules, and you should know that. From what I hear, some templars are happy enough to dally with mages if the opportunity presents itself, but Cullen is a man who takes his duty seriously, and I very much doubt he would have been willing to break so many rules. I'm surprised he let me kiss him, to be honest.”

“You kissed him?”

She sighed and lowered her gaze. “The day after my Harrowing. I ran into him in the hall and had a little chat with him. That's when he told me he'd been the one who was selected to cut me down should it become necessary, but he did assure me it wasn't personal and he would just be doing his duty as required...” Lorelei gave a short laugh. “He was so... awkward. But very sweet.”

Alistair shifted his weight a little and pulled her just a bit closer, though he said nothing. Lorelei looked at him and couldn't help but smile. Was he actually.... jealous? He said nothing, but his tension was palpable.

“Anyway,” she continued, “I managed to persuade him to step into an empty room with me for a moment. I don't know how I did it, to be honest. I was so happy and so confident after passing my Harrowing, I just.. I don't know. I said I needed to speak with him in private. He hesitated, seemed to be struggling with... himself, I guess. He finally gave in, and when we were alone, I kissed him. I hadn't necessarily planned it. I just wanted to talk to him somewhere other than the open hallway. But I kissed him, instead. I just couldn't seem to stop myself.”

“Did he kiss you back?”

“Oh, yes. He certainly did. And the look on his face when he pulled away... It was painful. We had no future together, and we both knew it.” She sighed, and closed her eyes for a moment. “But, as it happened, I left the Circle for good that same day. Cullen was there when Duncan escorted me from the tower and... It was over before it began, even though it couldn't have been anything at all. No matter how much we might...”

She lowered her head, surprised to find her eyes welling up with tears. The memory of that stolen kiss, her first kiss, so filled with passion and longing and promise that could never be fulfilled, and then, after so long away from the Circle, to see him in that cage, angry, hurting, so very... damaged... It was tragic. Cullen deserved better. And so did she.

Alistair pulled her close and stroked her hair and the tears freely rolled down her cheeks. She didn't sob or wail. She just stood there, leaning against Alistair's chest, her head on his shoulder, and let the tears flow until they didn't any more. When she pulled back, he released his hold on her instantly, but he didn't remove his arms from around her.

“I'm sorry, my love,” he said quietly, wiping away her tears with his thumb. “I was... stupid. As usual. Forgive me?”

“It wasn't stupid. I don't mind that you asked. I probably needed to talk about it, anyway. But, Alistair, it really is well and truly in the past. There was never anything there but unrealised potential. It was doomed to fail before it even started. The important thing is that I'm a Grey Warden now, and I'm here, with you,” she told Alistair.

He kissed her on the forehead and smiled at her, and then kissed her on the temple, then the cheek, then the jaw, then the neck, and then back up until his mouth was close to her ear.

“So...” he whispered, “you have a thing for templars, then?”

She laughed out loud. “Yes, I suppose I must. Awkward, sweet, charming ones, particularly.”

He gave her a lopsided grin. “Oh, good. This awkward, sweet, charming, almost-templar fool is always at your service.”

She kissed him. He returned her kiss, every bit as passionately and deeply as Cullen once had. But when Alistair and Lorelei finally pulled away, there was none of that painful, unfulfilled promise and longing. They were both Grey Wardens, and free to consort as they pleased, with no Chantry or Circle or anyone else interfering.

And for the first time, Lorelei fully realised the gift she'd been given. Yes, there was a heavy price, but the cost of freedom, whatever it was, would always be worth it.

“Care to join me in my tent, Warden?” she asked.

“Why, yes, Warden, I believe I would.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this quite some time ago, long before I'd ever played Dragon Age Inquisition. The kiss referred to in this story is from a mod that allows a "mini-romance" between a mage about-to-be Warden and Cullen. Of course, Cullen does later speak fondly of the Hero of Ferelden (in both DAII and DA:I), so it seems he always had a place for her in his heart. I didn't know that when I wrote this, of course, but I was going through some older things I'd written and found this and thought it was actually kind of sweet, especially in light of the later games. So, here it is. :)


End file.
